


when you love someone

by tob2os



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Adults, Domestic, Established Relationship, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, im sorry for making u sad tobio but u need to go to therapy, or maybe 1-2 years older, they're the current manga age
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 16:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23690119
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tob2os/pseuds/tob2os
Summary: "it happened seven more times. seven more nights of opening the door to his boyfriend at night, seven more times that his heart, wound up and eaten up from the day’s worth of worrying, dropped to the floor, shattering in pieces at the sight of not only his boyfriend’s clear distress, but his poor attempts to hide it."the shit that he should've gone to therapy for hits tobio in his adulthood and he's breaking. hinata doesn't know what to do, but tries, desperately. told through hinata's diary entries, inspired by "when you love someone" by day6. it's not a sad ending.aka, volleyball is not a replacement for therapy.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio
Comments: 20
Kudos: 175





	when you love someone

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is 🤩i'm just coping... cope with me. again HEAVILY based on "when you love someone" by day6. ill link it in the end notes, please listen when you finish reading. 
> 
> small references to my fic chapter 387 present. u dont need to read it to follow the story but i just think its a cool tidbit lol.... tob2os cinematic universe

**december 9th, 1:21am**  
**he passed out in my arms today.**

they really needed to change the lock on the door.

for every night of the entirety of their year and a half living together in this apartment, hinata shoyo heard his boyfriend came home at night; the sounds of his relentless, furious jangling of the keys hitting the brass of their handle and clear grunts of frustration seeping through the other side of the door until hinata, amusedly more often than not, unlocked it for him. he was usually greeted by a frown, lingering impatience still painting his boyfriend’s face until hinata reached up, thumb smoothing out the furrow in his brow, fingers tapping playfully at his cheekbones. patience was not one of kageyama’s strong points, but his love for hinata was, and hence this strategy was usually a success; his eyes would soften, the curve of his lips hinting at a slight smile before he leaned down, burrowing his face in hinata’s mop of hair before dragging them both inside.

one day, the door stopped jangling. 

**december 11th, 3:30am**  
**my chest is starting to physically ache.**

that night, he heard a soft tapping against the wooden door, and he almost missed it. so accustomed to the daily war his boyfriend waged against their lock, he thought for a moment that he had a surprise visitor. calling out that he’d be there in a second, he hurriedly pulled an old shirt over his head, checked in the passing mirror to make sure his hair wasn’t too unseemly, so when he opened the door to see the all-too familiar figure of his boyfriend, he was taken aback, the trained politeness of his smile dropping to make way for genuine surprise. 

but if kageyama noticed, he didn’t show it.

head hung over, he showed no sign of noticing hinata’s presence, and hinata stood there, baffled for a moment, before cocking his head to the right, opening his mouth to let out a single “kageyama?”

there was no response from his boyfriend still. confusion morphing into concern at this point, hinata stepped forward, reached up with his hand to kageyama’s face as he did routinely, assuming kageyama would look up accordingly. 

instead, as soon as hinata’s palm grazed his cheek, kageyama leaned aggressively into it, his own hand jolting up suddenly to hold hinata’s in place. his head didn’t raise, black fringe still hanging over his forehead and shielding his face from hinata. worry growing in his stomach, hinata opened his mouth, about to ask what was wrong, when he grew aware of the suffocating grip kageyama had on his hand. 

there was a slight tremble to his hold, fingers wrapped so tightly around the width of hinata’s smaller hand, and as he stood there, clutching onto hinata so tightly, so desperately, hinata found himself in the rare occasion of speechlessness. although he was no stranger to kageyama’s silence, this quiet had presence, a fragility that made hinata hesitate, tiptoe around the eggshells of his boyfriend’s lull. although no different than usual in physical stature, he suddenly seemed so small, his hunched shoulders and hidden eyes too vulnerable, too defenseless, as if trying to hide from the flickering lights in the hallway of their apartment. 

he quietly reached down with his other hand for kageyama’s bag then, picking it up from its place strewn on the ground (yet again uncharacteristic: it was a far lengths away from its usual place on kageyama’s shoulder). slinging the bag over his own shoulder, hinata went to pull his hand back from his boyfriend’s cheek, intending to gently lead them both into the apartment. but kageyama stiffened, resisting hinata’s pull, and it took an assured whisper of “let’s go inside” for him to relax, letting their hands (still interlocked) fall at his side.

he didn’t let go of hinata’s hand the entire night, clinging on like it was his lifeline.

**december 13, 12:38am**  
**what should i do?**

when he left for practice the next day, kageyama seemed more of less back to normal, up and out of bed at his usual time, giving hinata his usual kiss before heading out. but he was quiet, no acknowledgements made of the previous night.

hinata should’ve been relieved, relieved to see him return to a sense of normalcy, but it tugged on his heart still; the phantom grip of the previous night still wrapped around his hand, he couldn’t help but feel suspicion that his boyfriend’s return was no more than a facade. 

that day, he sat next to the door, tapping his foot anxiously on the floor, an hour before the time when his boyfriend usually came home. and at the sounds of familiar footsteps nearing the door, he yanked it open before he could knock. catching kageyama by surprise, hinata’s suspicions were confirmed when he caught a glimpse of kageyama’s unshrouded face. it lasted only half a second before his boyfriend quickly whipped his head to the side to avoid hinata’s piercing gaze, but it was half a second enough. hinata saw it; he saw the whispers of something, something he couldn’t quite place, something misaligned with the normalcy of the morning, seeping out every pore of his boyfriend’s face. 

not willing to let it slide a second time, hinata put his hands on his hips, a firm voice, a “tell me what’s wrong.”

kageyama didn’t look at him, instead swallowing visibly, and hinata stayed silent, his stare growing from stern to desperate, willing his boyfriend to look up, meet his eyes, let words of explanation tumble out of his lips.

he didn’t. even at the silent beg of hinata’s gaze on him, kageyama turned to him only to plant a half-hearted smile on his face, and insist, “i’m fine.”

but that night, again, he’d fallen asleep clutching onto hinata, his hands bunching the fabric of hinata’s shirt as if trying to use it to climb out of a crumbling pit.

**december 16, 1:50am**  
**i don’t know when it’s going to get easier for him. i feel so helpless, all i can do is hold him. every night, i hold him so tight, especially after he falls asleep, even though i know it won’t ultimately change things for him. but i don’t know what else to do.**

it happened seven more times. seven more nights of opening the door to his boyfriend at night, seven more times that his heart, wound up and eaten up from the day’s worth of worrying, dropped to the floor, shattering in pieces at the sight of not only his boyfriend’s clear distress, but his poor attempts to hide it. 

the eighth night began in a similar stride, his boyfriend yet again arriving home too late after hours at practice, only a soft knock to alert hinata of his return. and hinata, who’d spent the entire day pacing around the house, jumped to yank it open, gaze falling on kageyama, once again standing in front of him, head dropped low. and he immediately reached to take kageyama’s bag off his shoulder, pulling it from him with little protest from kageyama, and determinedly reached to grab his hand, to pull him towards the safety and comfort of their home. 

but kageyama resisted once again, and turning to face him, hinata’s mouth was already opening, ready to soothe words of _“it’s okay,”_ and _“let’s talk inside,”_ but the sight of kageyama stopped him in his tracks. 

unlike the first seven days, kageyama was staring straight at him, his neat fringe separated cleanly down the middle, exposing what he’d hidden the days before, what hinata hadn’t caught the days before. his face held an expression hinata had never seen on him, not in their seven years of knowing each other, and to say he was startled would be an understatement. there was no trace of the small frown that usually rested on kageyama’s face, no stiffness in his jaw, and most alarmingly of all, none of the ever-present, unwavering incandescence in his eyes. instead, there was raw vulnerability woven into every inch of his face, eyes glossy and loud in a way that scarily resembled a child’s abject hurt, a child’s pain. uncertainty, exhaustion written all over his features, and that something that was seeping from him seven days ago seemed to have found itself at the edge of the cliff, one push away from plummeting off the edge. it morphed his gentle frown into a trembling upper lip, and his unflinching eyes wavered, strikingly resembling the large bubbles blown out of a child’s toy wand; at any moment, at the slightest agitation, the softest touch, it would pop, burst into the flurry of an uncontrollable flood. such unguardedness triggered an instinct in hinata, his hands flying out in front of him until they reached his boyfriend’s face, one hand on his temple and the other on his cheek, pulling him down to rest on his shoulder. and he found himself whispering a repeated “it’s okay” at the ear next to him, standing firm as kageyama’s own arms soon wrapped around his waist, clawing at the fabric of his shirt as if it was a desperate, last ditch effort of keeping himself hanging on that cliff. 

“it’s okay.” a tremble in his shoulders.

“it’s okay.” a dampness on the crook of his neck.

“it’s okay.”

**december 17, 1:02am.**  
**i miss his smile.**

that night, they abandoned all the pre-bed routines that they regularly followed, hinata taking it upon himself to bring kageyama to bed as quickly as possible. kageyama didn’t resist, silently letting himself be pulled along, letting hinata gently push him onto their bed, and pull his jacket and shirt off of him. hinata yanked his own shirt off before quickly falling into bed next to kageyama, pulling on his boyfriend’s bare shoulders to tug him down, lay him next to himself.

**i would give everything to see it back.**

and he whispered, telling kageyama to turn around, “face me.”

kageyama did, flipping around, face fitting perfectly under hinata’s hand grabbing his cheek, thumb brushing over his cheekbone. hinata saw him swallow, eyes drift to a deliberate close, and the sight of his long, black eyelashes, fluttering so delicately, so fragile against the skin of his cheek, he felt a lump rise in his throat. kageyama tobio, who always stood tall and unflinching, who was second to none in strength, who didn’t understand the concept of fear at obstacles, was beneath his palm; his soft skin, the curve of his mouth and trembling lip radiating nothing less than deep, undeniable sadness. _what aren’t you telling me?_

but he didn’t ask, instead continuing to run his thumb over his cheeks, before bringing kageyama’s head in closer to gently place his lips on his forehead. his hand shifted, traveling upwards to comb gently through kageyama’s hair, before trailing down again, down his neck with his knuckles, thumb finding its place below his ear. his lips didn’t leave kageyama, slowly alternating between gently pressing against his forehead and the crown of his head, easily accessible to him in a way impossible when they were vertical. kageyama’s usually neat fringe, sliding across his forehead and sticking up where his head met the pillow, left him with an uncharacteristically disheveled appearance, only further adding to the ache in hinata’s chest.

**i wish i could be in pain and cry for him, so he wouldn’t have to.**

he gently pulled kageyama towards him, burying his boyfriend’s face in his chest, and kageyama didn’t protest; quite the contrary, he reached one of his arms across hinata’s side, sneaking the other underneath him to bring them even closer together. the warmth of hinata’s bare back and sides in his arms seemed to console kageyama, and he let out a shaky sigh, the first noise he’d made today. 

**i wish he’d never hurt again.**

he didn’t stop stroking the spot under kageyama’s ear all night, forgoing sleep to see the tenseness in his boyfriend’s figure melt into the steady rises and falls of slumber, to hear his heartbeat thud against his own chest, to hold him as close as he could, to pray that some of that sadness be absorbed to him. 

hinata had always thought kageyama looked surprisingly young in his sleep, having fondly observed his unconscious face with awe. but today, the childlike vulnerability in kageyama’s face, freed by sleep from any mask formed by adulthood, stabbed sharply at his heart. 

**is this what it’s like, when you love someone?**

**december 20, 3:08am.**  
**he thinks i can’t hear him in the shower.**

it wasn’t that hinata had never heard kageyama cry before. there were the times they’d cried from volleyball-related frustrations, the day when he’d told him about his grandfather, the day he’d finally confessed. 

but in all those times, kageyama had never tried to hide it from him. 

**even it’s just a little bit, i wish i could help him. be like a landing point for him.**

it was the third shower in a row where hinata could clearly hear him. three days in a row post-that night where kageyama had come home to peer into hinata’s eyes with a now-unshielded vulnerability, the tremble in his lip making hinata instinctively wrap his arms around his shoulders and stay there: sometimes on the floor of the doorway, sometimes on the sofa, sometimes in their bed, and just hold him. three showers of different degrees of sorrow, the water not doing nearly enough to muffle the soft cries, and this third time was no different. but tonight, when kageyama didn’t come out, far past the length ofhis usual shower time, there was nothing more pacing could do for hinata. his body acted on instinct again, opening the door to the bathroom and hurrying in, stripping before opening the shower curtains to step inside. 

kageyama turned around to face him, and although startled, he made no attempt to change hinata’s mind. even with the showerhead raining down on them, kageyama’s eyes managed to pour the strongest cascade, and the ache that had been building in hinata for days, weeks finally fell through. 

**other people might not know this, but his heart is actually really fragile.**

the blatant show of kageyama’s tears landed like a blow on his chest, sending his heart crashing through a thin sheet of ice, breaking unforgivingly through the dull ache and shoving it into the cold water, drowning it in undeniable, overwhelming sadness. 

and before he knew it he was crying too, the showerhead’s stream washing out the tears freshly unleashed from inside him, but kageyama saw, he always saw. alarm rising to his face, he grabbed onto hinata’s forearm, slowly pulling him close, hand raising to hinata’s cheek. fingers brushing on his skin slightly hesitantly, he mumbled, a soft “what’s wrong… don’t cry…”

and at the irony, laughter bubbled out of hinata’s chest, combining with the sorrow currently residing in his throat to tumble out his mouth, a sob mixed with a snort. 

“you’re one to talk!” kageyama only looked at him sheepishly, his hand still on hinata’s cheek, eyes shifting to hold something other than heart-breaking fragility for the first time since that first night: concern.

hinata could’ve died there.

**so when he hurts alone, i really feel like i’m dying.**

instead, he grabbed kageyama’s hand, holding it firmly on his own cheek like kageyama had done to him back then, and fell to a sitting position, bringing kageyama down with him. knees pulled into his chest, he watched as kageyama let out a cry of surprise, grabbing the wall to avoid completely slipping on his trip downwards. he fell, wincing slightly at his ungraceful landing, but his mental focus was far from any physical pain it brought him. at hinata’s continued silence, he began gnawing at his lip, anxiety mixing with worry in his eyes as he stared at hinata’s face.

 _why are you so worried about me?_ hinata felt the lump rise in his throat again.

_why? what about yourself?_

when hinata didn’t break his silence, kageyama opened his mouth, hesitantly let out an “are you okay?”

and hinata felt it all bubble to the surface again, this time at the strength of a pulsing tide; the memories of kageyama by the doorway all those nights, the way he had clutched onto hinata so tightly at night, the way he’d buried his face into hinata’s chest, the way he’d attempted to hide his face from him, avoiding his gaze; the way his eyelashes fluttered against the softness of his cheeks, the face he had made in the doorway that heartbreaking night, burned forever onto his eyelids. they dripped out of hinata’s eyes in ugly, heavy drops, his face contorting into full-on sorrow accompanied by a hiccupping cry. every nerve in kageyama’s body reacted near instantly as he quickly pulled hinata towards him, sliding him over easily against the wet surface of the tub. fitting hinata’s knees under his, he wrapped his arms around hinata’s torso, pulling his face into the crook of his neck. the water above them rained on still, falling into his eyes as he shut them tight, palms rubbing against the small of hinata’s hiccuping back.

“it's just. i wish i could hurt for you.” kageyama felt like someone had just cut the string keeping his heart hanging onto his chest. 

he swallowed, trying to keep back his own tears, before muttering back, “don’t say that.”

hinata only sobbed harder, burying his forehead into kageyama’s collarbone, before continuing.

“i-i don’t want you to feel like this anymore. i love you. you know that? right? i love you?” hinata pulled away from his chest, and looked up at kageyama with such earnest anguish that all kageyama could do in response was nod, the sudden realization dawning on him of hinata’s heartache. and he felt like he’d been shot, guilt blooming in him at the sight of hinata looking so distressed over him. hinata reached up with own hand, brushing back kageyama’s wet bangs to reveal his forehead, and cried, voice breaking as he told him, “don’t be sad all on your own, tobio.”

meeting his glossy eyes, kageyama’s own cries broke from his throat, unable to hold back his whimpers any longer as he dropped his head onto hinata’s shoulder, arms tightening around hinata’s torso and waist. hinata’s hand trailed up the back of kageyama’s neck, finding its place in kageyama’s hair, gripping him gently, but firmly, as if to hold him there in his arms, to tell him that _i’m here. i’m not going anywhere._ the water from above, pouring over their bodies and splattering onto the surface of the tub around them, complemented their trembling shoulders, a soft pitter-patter, strangely soothing in its unchanging rhythm.

“okay?” hinata whispered once more, just loud enough for kageyama to hear, and he nodded into hinata’s shoulder, croaking out an “okay.”

with his arms still around hinata’s waist, he pulled his head up, his gaze colliding with hinata’s, staring at him with a tender fierceness, and he crashed his lips onto his. hinata’s hands fell from kageyama’s cheeks as his elbows landed on his shoulders, and their lips, brushing against each other’s, silently breathed _”i’m sorry”s_ and _“i love you”s_ into each other. 

kageyama brought one hand back up to hinata’s face, and pulled back, a small, long-awaited smile dancing on his lips at hinata, looking at him under slightly hooded lids, eyes filled with everything from relief to catharsis to fondness to concern. 

_he’s here._

**december 22, 12:00**  
**tobio. thank you for teaching me what’s like, when you love someone.**  
**i’ll do my best, every day, so when you think of me, even on your worst days, it’ll bring you peace.**

**i love you.**

**Author's Note:**

> based off of [this song](https://bit.ly/2VfIXOk). please listen i meant for it to work in tandem with this fic lol.. plus its just a good song in general, its in my kagehina playlist.
> 
> i just realized i said volleyball isnt a replacement for therapy but this fic is basically just. "cuddling and kissing is a replacement for therapy." listen skin to skin contact is healing i dont make the rules... also i dont think kageyama really is a loud cryer but whats a little ooc here and there. also i didnt intend for any of this to sound nsfw so please do not get it twisted. 
> 
> find me on twt @ousamayama 
> 
> 영산이를 서럽게 울리고 싶었어요... 근데 사실 영산이는 약간 소리안내고 울것같기도하고.... 뭐 제가 쓰는거니까 상관없겠죠?


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